Friday, March 23, 2007

Hollywood

In case you haven't heard, they are planning on making a movie about Thomas Kinkade. I think it is Disney. It sounds like something they would do. They are making one of Kinkade's shitty paintings into a shitty movie, presumably, the feel they are going for is "getting fucked by a pixie stick – for your eyes!" In honor of this, Tyler Green over at Modern Art Notes came up with a list of his top five paintings he'd like to see made into movies and encouraged others to as well. I think this is what a meme is.
> meme or whatever

At any rate, Art or Idiocy? has decided to weigh in on this serious topic. You will find our open proposal to Hollywood below. Just Remember, we retain all sorts of rights and intellectual copyrights and stuff. The celebrities mentioned should have to pay us royalties for furthering their careers by invoking them into a high culture context. You can click on the the movie posters to see them in all their box office glory. Enjoy.



Betrothal of the Arnolfini Betrothal of the Arnolfini - Jan van Eyck
I can hear the throaty voice of the dramatic voice over announcer guy already. Scarlett Johansson and David Thewlis are supposed to marry, but Ralph Feines, as Jan van Eyck, steals her heart, and paints himself into the picture.
Soundtrack by The Arcade Fire
Directed by Jane Campion
Tagline: “How Far Would You Go For Love & Art?”
Released in the Fall, you know, for dates.


Red Brown & Black Red Brown & Black - Mark Rothko
The Story of Marcus Rothkowicz. Soundtrack with music by Nirvana, Joy Division, Erik Satie, How could him slitting the crooks of his arms and O.D.ing on antidepressants in his studio just after making a big gallery deal not be a dramatic, filmic ending? And putting his arms into the sink so as not to make a mess... Yeah, we better have some tracks from Sonic Youth’s Daydream Nation in there too.
Starring Vincent D'Onofrio as Rothko
Taglines: "His Gift Was a Curse" "Based on the True Story of an American Master"


The Los Angeles County Museum of Art on Fire
The Los Angeles County Museum of Art on Fire - Ed Ruscha
Terrorists lay siege to LACMA hoping to use the priceless art to fund a coup in South America. This film will mix the action of Die Hard and the spectacle of Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure. Directed by the idiot that directed the Poseidon remake. Starring Collin Farrell as the Head Terrorist, Harrison Ford as the negotiator who kicks ass, Ice T as the LAPD detective, Jessica Alba as the sexy curator, LL Cool J as the museum guard and Freddy Rodríguez as the conservation lab tech who uses his smarts to sabotage the attackers.
Summer 2007


interrogation. Interrogation. - Leon Golub
Set across the globe, this film takes a look at the evil cycle of drugs, war, terrorism, poverty and conservative Republicanism through stark color filters and blasted out lighting effects. See Syriana, Blood Diamond, Hotel Rwanda, Traffic. Starring Don Cheadle, Michael Douglas, Clive Owen, Annette Benning, Geoffrey Rush, George Clooney, Jennifer Connelly, Bencio Del Toro, Heather Graham, Tim Robbins, Penélope Cruz, S. Epatha Merkerson, Josh Hartnett & Allan Arkin in a cameo as Leon Golub.
Released late in the year for an Oscar Bid


Rave
Rave - Martin Maloney
Honeymooners Lucy Lui and Owen Wilson get mixed up in a plot to steal a work of art from the Saatchi Gallery and are forced to impersonate a deadly duo of art thieves. They embark on a madcap adventure to steal Rave by Martin Maloney for an eccentric uber-collector played by Pierce Brosnan. Will Ferrell has a cameo as an insane art expert and Steve Martin plays a number of roles including a French Interpol agent, an LA art snob and Brosnan’s snooty secretary. Jean Reno plays the real art thief they end up running from and Michael Clarke Duncan is slated to be the US Marshal who thinks “all this silliness about a stupid painting is crazy!” before kicking Reno and Wilson’s asses. Tommy Lee Jones has been approached to play the unhinged FBI art thievery agent, but has not signed on as of yet.

5 comments:

dawn said...

hilarious!

m. said...

is rave a remake of how to steal a million? that would be awesome.

Mark Staff Brandl said...

No, I hadn't heard about Hollywood Kincaid. Now I want to puke. Wouldn't a Bollywood version be more appropriate? I like your ideas far more!

VDO Vault said...

You do know that Vincent D'Onofrio has already played an artist (albeit an obscure one). Go rent 'Chelsea Walls' to see him throwing paint on a canvas

ash966 said...

Good choices!

Here are mine:

http://ash966.blogspot.com/2007/04/paintings-that-would-make-good-movies.html