Area Man Believes Everything He Reads

Virginia – Local blogger and hateful religious zealot out to rid the world of free will, particularly women of the governance of themselves, believes everything reads. This has made him an easy convert to Christianity. And a shoe-in for extreme fundamentalism, since other branches of the religion allow, and sometimes even encourage, the use of one’s own mind. Judging from his abortion-themed blog, Pete X has mainly read flyers passed out by other closed-minded hateful people in favor of making sure every pregnancy comes to term.

Pete’s inability to take the written word as anything other than absolutely literal has made him the most humiliated man in the history of the internet. Pete recently came across an article by a woman proclaiming her happiness in having an abortion performed on her. The woman even went so far as to exclaim, “I am totally psyched.” This was just the sort of article Pete had been looking for. He promptly laid into insulting her on his blog with every stock phrase the pro-birth supporters love to use. The only trouble is that this article appeared in The Onion, a humorous newspaper. Perhaps you have heard of it.

Literally, and this is the correct use of the word, hundreds of people found it too hilarious that Pete had himself become a living Onion article. Comments poured into the blog informing him that he was an idiot. Comments also informed him of his douche-atude, assholiness, and of the sad, but amusing, fact that he had mistaken a satirical work of fiction from a world-famous publication as reality.

Not satisfied to simply delete the post and never speak of it again, Pete decided instead to post some more on the subject. “I had a feeling it was satirical,” he admitted. He then went on to deride the woman further, claiming that even if she was being sarcastic, she was still an evil pro-murder woman spewing her liberal agenda. And so on. “No,” said hundreds more comments, “There is no woman at all. The Onion is a fake newspaper. All the writers are made up. They don’t exist, this was a piece of fiction.” Many posts, from both sides of the issue, derided Pete for his exceedingly thick blockhead. “I’m pro-life, but Jesus you are a fucking idiot,” said one.

Feeling the opportunity to call out all these liberal hate-mongers on their poor grammar and excessive use of the F-word, the S-word, and the J-word, Pete responded by calling out the fools. The comments, he postulated, were a perfect example of liberal “intellectualism.” IE, liberals are rich, elite snobs with degrees in things, and yet can only swear and speak in sentence fragments. The research Pete conducted is highly suspect, since it is assumed it was all gleaned from comments left on his blog. On his side, though, several prominent liberals, leftists, philosophers and progressive innovators did identify themselves in the comments. For instance, a comment that read “fuck you, you fucking fuckety fuck, fuck. Nuts, twat, balls, Jon Stewart, First Amendment.” Was written by someone identifying themself as “Nobel Peace Prize Winner Jimmy Carter, and this is the greatest thing I have ever written.”

After convincingly disarming the redirect of liberal thought, he laid any other doubts to rest and revealed that he, uh, had actually done the initial post as a joke, and um, like thousands of people had been fooled by him. Thus making the world safe and peaceful, now that women are free to be forced to have children.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was granted an interview to ask Pete about his summary defeat of reproductive rights, choice, feminism, and all women in general.

Anderson: “So, once the woman gives birth, according to your wishes, and the wishes of those on your side… then what? Do you offer to help feed, cloth and educate the child? Will you help with healthcare? According to the Bible, Christians are called to be Christlike and take care of the less fortunate, put others before themselves and so on. I could be wrong, but it doesn’t stop with making sure a woman gives birth, does it?”

Pete: No, it does. It stops with preventing abortion. There’s free healthcare and welfare out there. If these blessed new mothers pray, it will all work out. Besides, if something bad happens, it is God punishing them, or testing them. Oh, and we hand out buttons when they leave the hospital. They say, ‘NO CHOICE IS THE RIGHT CHOICE.’ So you can see, we do a lot for those innocent pure little babies.”

Obviously, this article is oozing with sarcasm. But Pete and his blog really do exist. And this all really has transpired after the past few days. If you really want to visit his blog, you can. The Choice is yours. [sic[sic[sic]]] I'm going to pray for your forgiveness and for the suffering which you will endure when you realize what you have done. Every baby you see from that moment on is going to wake you up to the realization that you killed your child.